he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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