The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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