Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize