my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
