Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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