There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
