you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
