gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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