I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
