I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
