YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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