You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
