No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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