My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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