I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
