Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
