Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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