I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
