I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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