Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
