You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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