im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
