I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
