there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
