what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
