So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Rumble strips road head = magical
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
