My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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