Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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