Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
