considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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