did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
