I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
