if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
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