I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Send help, water and tortillas.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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