you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
