every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
