I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
