im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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