dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
