uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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