Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
