there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
