i think my mom watched the whole time
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize