but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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