Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
then he tried to convert me to islam
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
