I checked into jail on foursquare
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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