frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
