I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
