Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
