ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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