So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
