I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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