im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
