I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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