That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
