I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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