Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
