remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
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I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
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All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...