i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
