in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
