While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
